Let’s face it. We all get angry sometimes. It is a pretty basic emotion, yet one we may easily misunderstand. Consider your own anger. Think for a minute and name the top three things that tend to get you angry or “upset” (this is a popular euphemism we use as it sounds less negative than “anger”.) Common examples might be things people say to us, getting cut off in traffic, getting passed over for a promotion, being disrespected by a loved one, and we could list many more. Keep these areas of your own anger in mind as you read the following. (And resist the temptation to use this little blog as a message to someone in your life whose anger impacts you.)
We will consider some of the dynamics of anger, reflect briefly on key references to anger in the Bible, and end with a few suggestions on dealing with anger. All of this, of course, is watered down given the limited space we have.
Dynamics of Anger
What is the purpose of anger? Surprisingly, it is a protective device that originates in the brain’s amygdala. You may recognize the amygdala as home for anxiety, and you’re right. Anxiety and anger are both responses to threat. Anger is the “fight” of the fight or flight response. For instance, if you encounter a large spider in your path, you’ll have to decide whether to flee from it, change your path or retreat, or attack it to eliminate the threat altogether. Avoid, and “flight” is the choice; attack, and “fight” is the choice.
God gave us this mechanism to protect us from harm. Anxiety and anger work best with imminent, physical dangers. Smell smoke? You need to get out of the house or grab the fire extinguisher. Bully wanting your lunch money? You need to give in and avoid his wrath or stand up to him in anger (sorry: can’t help the scene from A Christmas Story coming to mind where the young protagonist Ralphie finally has his fill of the school bully and instead of running, goes after him and beats him up.)
But anxiety is something that our thinking minds can evoke from all kinds of hypothetical or potential dangers, not just imminent physical ones. Anger works the same way. Rarely are we physically threatened. Most of the threats that anger us are psychological – threats to our psychological equilibrium or sense of well-being. The reason that words can hurt us is that they threaten our sense of self and our standing before others and in our own minds. Similarly, many events anger us because they threaten our agendas or our sense of control. Slow service at a drive-through may anger us because we want control over how quickly things happen. Road rage stems from others interfering with our plans or maintaining the speed at which we want to drive. We like feeling in control and often are upset if someone interferes with that.
Most things, then, that anger us threaten us psychologically more than physically. Think back on the three “triggers” for your own anxiety. Are these due to physical or psychological threats: dangers to your physical well-being or to your emotional contentment?
The thoughts inform us that what angers us reveals where we feel vulnerable. Interestingly, anger is thus often more a sign of weakness than strength. We may fear angry people, but they are only so angry because their tentative sense of self is easily threatened. The same holds true for us. When we get “upset”, we might pause to consider how that pricked a sore spot in our psychology.
This can be illustrated with the character Fonzie from the old TV show Happy Days. For those who don’t remember, Fonzie was the “coolest” guy in town, unflappable and unchallenged. If someone dared challenge him, he’d respond with a surprised, soft “whoa” – more surprised that someone would challenge him than feeling threatened. Fonzie knew he had it together and so little threatened him. (Notice, too, how even the idea of being “cool” contrasts with being “hot” tempered.) He felt no need to defend his “coolness” as he was not threatened by naysayers.
Let me add one last point in this section. Many of us struggle with what I’d call “meta-anger” – we get angry at ourselves for getting angry given we don’t want to perceive ourselves or be perceived by others as someone with a temper. This illustrates how even our own temper can reveal a character flaw we lament, making us angry with ourselves for falling short of who we want to be. This especially holds true for those who are trying to imitate Christ.
A Few Biblical Thoughts on Anger
Let me focus on two topics here: Jesus and Paul’s comments in Ephesians 4.
Jesus is the exemplar for Christians, so noticing anger in his life is central to our goals. It is fascinating to note one instance when he got angry, and another when he didn’t. All four gospels (Matthew 21:12-13; Mark 11:15-17; Luke 19:45-46; John 2:13-16) include an account of Jesus cleansing the temple. It is pretty hard to get around saying that Jesus was angry as he threw over the tables of the money changers and scattered those selling animals for sacrifice. What was the threat here? None of them had hassled Jesus personally. What was being threatened and assaulted was the glory of God. As Jesus explained at the time, these people had taken God’s house of prayer and turned it into a den of robbers. His anger stemmed from his zeal for God’s Name and glory, not his personal psychological well-being.
Also instructive is when Jesus did not get angry: during his passion. What greater injustice and personal assault can there be than for the only perfect, sinless person to be arrested and executed? This is what happened to our Lord. In the Garden when he was arrested, Peter tried anger and violence, and Jesus restored the ear Peter severed from the high priest’s servant. On the cross, when we might be bitter over the injustice and personal harm, he focused on his mission of redemption and pitied those who were carrying it out, saying “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34 ESV).
So, yes, Jesus got angry – but when the Name of God was assaulted, not when he was. I fear we’re overly irritable when our name is threatened but not angry enough when we see God’s Name used as slang or joked about in other ways, if not outright blasphemed.
But what of Paul’s teaching in Ephesians 4:26 (ESV): “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger”? This isn’t a command telling us that it is OK to be angry so long as we get over it quickly. Rather, the sense is, per Hendriksen’s commentary, “Let not your anger be mixed with sin.” What would that mean? This addresses the many times when we are angry because our pride is hurt and our image tainted. As to the sun going down on it, we might apply that to what psychologists call “rehearsing” an offense: going over and over it in our mind while vilifying the person who did it and planning things we’d like to say to them even though we don’t plan to say them. This is a form of mental vengeance, but it festers the wound and builds bitterness in our hearts the longer we continue it. Ruminating on wrongs done to us is not a biblical plan. Rather, we need to be angry with our sin and pray for those who do us wrong – even as Jesus did.
Using What We’ve Learned
What follows from this is that “anger management” is not usually the way to go: assuming we’ll be angry but learning to moderate it so that it doesn’t get us in trouble. This is like bandaging a rash without addressing what is causing it. Rather, first, learn from what angers you. Would the three things you listed at the outset make Jesus angry, too, or is there some self-protection of our fragile psyches involved? You are Christ’s if you are a believer, and he will deal with those who might hurt you. Even if you are not, it is better to be like Fonzie and develop a cooler self-confidence than become irritated at any little thing that might rattle your ego.
Believers do well to lose themselves more in the mission of serving God and less in defending ourselves. God loves us more than we love ourselves, so we will be protected when need be (though that doesn’t mean we don’t do something about the spider in our path). Surrender prideful thoughts to God and focus on loving him more and your image of yourself less.
Second, learn to catch yourself rehearsing negative thoughts about others and nursing harmful statements, not letting time turn this into bitter resentment that leads to poor relationships and even more anger.
Third, remember God’s providence may not fit our plans. God is in control of the slow driver in front of you, and we do well to shift from our frustrated schedule for the trip and pivot to ask what God is teaching us in the moment. The one makes us angry with that driver for disrupting our schedule; the other turns us to submit to God’s plan for our lives.
Finally, take a cue from Jesus and see things from a heavenly perspective: those who harm others will answer to God, and most of them are oblivious to that fact. This is how we learn to love our enemies who are made in God’s image yet lost in sin. Or even if we are hurt by other believers, we know they struggle with sin just like we do. Rather than nursing wounds, pray for the wounder and ask God to show them their spiritual need.
The more we know how much God loves us, and how he will protect us, the less need we’ll feel to protect ourselves and our egos. Anger subsides when we submit to God’s providence rather than insisting on being in control. By implementing these ideas, anger won’t be managed, it will be undermined!